There is this one strange day every year – April 8th. It is a special day and my feelings are mixed. It is the day my son Immanuel came and left in the space of a breath … giving life is giving death is what the doctor told me. That same day I had my first spiritual awakening where I merged into the Oneness of all and the infinite Love of the ONE.
So that is what animates me. That same day, 12 years later my best friend had her baby of which I am the godmother. The mystery of the cycle of life … one life leaves, a new life emerges out of Life itself.
The universe has a strange way of showing love sometimes, or maybe I just feel that. There is a feeling of peace, of the unknown, a mixture of love and fear - if ever there can be a mixture of more opposite feelings.
I remember the day my godchild was born it was so beautiful. The sun was shining, my daughter was smiling and happy and excited to see the new baby. We all feel like a new beginning when a baby is born.
I realized that day that the wild side in me, the untamed and uncolored side of life, of that life energy, that creative energy came to a screeching halt when this life-death happened. The side that thought it was invincible and could do anything. That side that always felt like Life itself, the never-ending, exploring and beautifully abundant side of Life rushing through me. Little by little it was challenged and with every challenge I felt I got smaller and less certain, less adventurous, and more fearful of the consequences. I adopted the belief that a consequence was a punishment, something the Gods put on me to show me that there was something wrong with me and others were right. That was then…
I used to ask how I could change this deep belief system inside of my cells? Somehow, I know it was not correct, that God is always loving, the Mother-Father spirit shows us everything just out of love and out of the deep desire for us to learn and become wiser. I think if my parents would have been supportive instead of punishing and controlling, my vision of life and my feeling of being secure in Life no matter what would have been different.
When I started diving deeper into my studies of myself, of my spiritual essence, and of the material that I coach today, I realized that all of this was simply ignorance. Not knowing how I truly was.
I started reparenting myself with my daughter in every way, making her feel that no matter what she is loved. It made me feel loving. Caring. Kinder. She can feel secure no matter what “mistake” she makes or feels she makes. She still sometimes feels ashamed just as I did, wanting to hide from anyone and life, crawling into the mouse hole until the feeling passes.
I used to ask how I could support the feeling of being OK no matter what happens, and feeling that mistakes are just opportunities for evolution and for growth and wisdom. So, I talk to her. I listen to her. I make her feel not only OK but like a gift of God. Then we look at it as an opportunity to be grateful – we decided when she was younger that it didn’t feel good and that “she didn’t have to do that again” - not the mistake but that yucky feeling. Her self-image started changing and suddenly she was stronger and more accepting.
Today, I do the same with myself. I talk to myself. To the little girl inside. I tell her she is OK. She is loved. I sit every morning and send her love. Real true love. To her and all the phases, she went through until today. I SEE her. I started loving her more and more. Truly loving what I see. Honoring her as she is with all the things she went through and to release the past once and for all. To create my life the way I WANT it to be.
I decided a while ago to write a book for children and adults alike that will show them that they are perfectly in the flow of Life in every single instant, that nothing is an inherent mistake but just an opportunity to learn what works and what does not work. That underneath it all is love, deep unconditional love from the universe that shows us that we are simply not aware that we are fully connected to the flow of Love yet. Most people are not.
This life is such an amazing opportunity to grow. To feel lighter. To touch lightly with spirit, to keep our sense of love and lightness, our sense of humor, and to move smoother as we go along.
I like writing in the morning, I feel that is a beautiful way to be creative and feel in the flow of God's creativity and loving. Yesterday, I wrote that the concept of an ‘outside God’ is a strange concept when we start living in Oneness and non-duality with Life. It seems that we have it all backwards: instead of seeing us as creators in Gods’ image we made God in men’s image – an old man with a white beard. Strange indeed!
Well, knowing that God or the living spirit is all, and I am a fragment of that “All-ness”, I realize that I have the same creative energies and circuits inside of me. Life does not feel threatening to me anymore. I feel more secure and safe in Life, trusting and having faith in the movement of all that is knowing that the One is within me and that I am inside the One. Actually, there is only ONE…